20 December 2015

It's that time again...

So guess what...it's time for another minor freak out and some more rambling from my brain. We of course have another hospital appointment tomorrow, one last heart and growth scan, which is most likely the cause of the racing thoughts going through my head and the need to let them escape onto this page.

 I'm dreading the scan tomorrow. I have the fear of bad news, even though there hasn't really been any more bad news since we've been having the extra scans, just possibilities and wait and sees. At our last scan the consultant informed us that the left ventricle was smaller than it was last time and whilst it didn't worry her, and she gave us her medical opinion that she didn't see it developing into a further problem, but still had to give us information on another heart condition that it could point to. A much more serious heart condition with a lower survival rate, more surgeries and unknown quality of life. Me being me needed to know the worse case scenario, and it did scare me. Suddenly what they originally diagnosed didn't seem that bad at all, and these past four weeks has seen me silently telling myself and the baby (and the universe) that everything will be ok, and that this isn't going to happen to us. In a way I don't even really want to go tomorrow, I don't want any bad news, not now that we're so close.



 I feel so many different emotions and worries. I can't even order them here on the page. Obviously as the due date fast approaches and I feel like I could go into labour any day now (I'm nearly 37 weeks, hold on until after Christmas please!) and just feel a little over the pregnancy now. Of course I still love feeling the little boy wriggling around inside, and I know that he is safe and still connected to me, which is something that I'm going to find hard to let go of, but I'm getting sick of being pregnant. The physical side of it is wearing me out, I'm too big and I forgot just how damn uncomfortable you are, and I do actually feel at peace with knowing this is my last. I'm also getting desperate to meet this little boy, to wonder what he'll look like, to know what ever it is that is wrong with him and to stop the guessing games.

 But it all makes me sad and to be honest a little cross. It's starting to feel so unfair that we won't have that special newborn time, I won't get to hold my baby for long after he's born, I'll have to leave hospital without him, express my milk instead of forming a breastfeeding bond straight away. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I have a lovely healthy, perfect little baby to bring home with us to start this journey as a family of four? It's breaking my heart to have to keep on reminding myself that it's going to be so different this time. I just wish with everything I have that it's all going to be ok, that somehow, somewhere, someone has granted us just at least a little bit of good luck and that this story doesn't end in even more heartbreak.

 But yet there's still so much uncertainty. We don't know the full extent of the heart problem, we have to journey through the baby being treated for talipes and I guess we have to await any signs of other conditions that we may not have been aware of. Yesterday I met a lady who like us had problems diagnosed at her 20 week scan, and even though more problems were found during the rest of the pregnancy, they still had no idea that the baby would be born with an undiagnosable genetic disorder. Something that wouldn't have shown up on an amniocentesis test had they decided to have one. I know I shouldn't obsess and think that this is bound to happen to us, but of course it has me worried. We have the all clear for major known genetic disorders, but of course there could be something there. I'm terrified. I know that whatever will be will be, and that there's nothing we can do to change anything anyway but it doesn't stop my thinking what if. I don't want to go down that trail of thought again, I just want to be able to focus on the now and dealing with things as they come, but it's all getting so close.



 Can you see how panicky this is all making me? I feel slightly frantic in my thoughts and I just want some definite answers. I am a planner, I like things to be set out and organised and I just don't think I can deal with the waiting to see anymore. But you know what, more than anything I just want to hold my baby, to tell him that he's going to be ok, to bring him back to our home and into our lives and be able to love him fully. I want to see him grow and marvel at the new things he learns, I want to see the bond develop between him and Theo and I want to see how our life unfolds. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before, more than I knew possible to want something. I want him to be ok.

Bear with me, I have a feeling these next few weeks will hold a whole host of tumbling thoughts and emotions, so perhaps it might be best to look away now if that's not your cup of tea. But they need to be set free somewhere.

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