04 December 2015

All the emotions

So are you ready for another emotion mind dump? Well it's coming anyway.

 First of all, I think my brain just needs somewhere to go ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, every so often and right now it's here, so sorry about that. It's got to happen somewhere and I can feel myself get more and more agitated and worried and it feels like it's all going to boil over unless I somehow let it escape somewhere. But it seems to boil over anyway.

 This week, and the last have been hard. My emotions have been all over the place, I definitely have my cross days where everything seems like it's going against me and I just want a bit of peace. There are days where everything is actually fine and I get a glimpse of what the normal pregnancy would be feeling like and somehow seem to forget everything that is going on. Then there's the days full of anxiety and worry which then leads onto the days where I can feel the dam of tears swelling up behind my eyes and trying my hardest not to let them break free at the wrong moments. I have always loved the power of having a good cry, and when I do finally let them out, and have half an hour or so of good sobbing, nose running, drenched face crying it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 So it's been tough, I somehow convinced myself a little that this time would be somehow easier than the bit when we were waiting for results just after diagnosis. We can get ready and prepare and just wait for the baby and carry on like normal. Except that hasn't happened. There just seems to be more could be's about babies condition every week, new worries we didn't even consider and more potential bad news. There's never a straight answer, there's could be's and hope nots and unlikelys, but there's always the small chance. Just sit tight, wait and see and try not to worry.



 In the past few weeks we've been told that the babies heart might be showing a problem in the size of part of it, but it's not known until baby is born and even then the cardiologist is pretty confident it won't be a problem. I've been told I'm carrying Group B Strep, for which I have receive antibiotics for during labour as to not pass it onto the baby. Which is a relief in some way that it's been picked up now, but yet another thing to worry about in my already stressful labour. Finally, just yesterday the midwife got me all worried saying that I'm measuring pretty big (40cm at 34 weeks) and that they may need to assess me and send me for an emergency scan. On our last growth scan just under two weeks ago baby was measuring an average size, but with an abdominal circumference right at the top end of the scale (but still on the scale, thankfully). Yet again I have no idea what this all means, the midwife was particularly vague and told me not to worry (yeh thanks for that). So after a slightly panicked phone call to the fetal medicine unit at the hospital they have booked me in for a growth scan next week, just as a PRECAUTION. Nothing has been mentioned previously as a worry about the size or abdomen by the fetal medicine team and fingers crossed there will be nothing wrong, but you know, just one more thing to sit and worry about until we know for sure.

 It just makes me wonder when it will all stop, when the potential for bad news will end and we can 100% fully know what the problems are and how they can (hopefully) be fixed. Perhaps we will never know. And whilst there's been no more devastating news and prognosis is part of me needs to yell out: I'M NOT OK. I need a badge saying: I'm finding this hard, things are shitty. But I rarely like drawing attention to myself, but at the same time I feel in the world if you tend to not shout about your problems you get swallowed up by everyone else's and those who manage to shout louder than you. I'm not asking for constant attention and I'm not even sure what I want, I guess I just want to feel understood that it's not all normal, I'm not that excited, I've been finding it really tough and I find it hard to tell people this. I feel lonely and weirdly feel like I don't know if I matter to that many people. Perhaps that's my own doing, my inability to express my feelings more openly and keep in contact with people and update them on my troubles and woes, but I'm just not that sort of person. I guess I prefer to keep a brave face on, to not let that many people in and sometimes that can just backfire when no-one really knows what you are truly feeling. I hate to make a fuss and make people feel awkward, but it also makes me sad.

 I finished work this week, and left for potentially a year or so off. I got a few goodbyes and good lucks, but nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting, not a parade or a party of course, but perhaps a card or a small gesture to say something more. I only work 8 or so hours a week, and don't have any real connection to many people there, but people were aware of what I've been going through and I've been there nearly two years and you know what, it just hurt a little. Just to feel so insignificant and unthought about. It's only work, I know that, but it's just one more thing on top of everything else.

 So there you have it. I'm feeling shitty and sorry for myself. I don't want to be the party pooper in a world of happy healthy pregnancies so I keep my mouth shut, except of course for my occasional outbursts on here, my safe little place on the internet. Soz it's not all Christmas cheer, but you know, it's not always about that is it.

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