30 December 2015

The baby wishlist

So it's getting very close to that time. I'm 38 weeks and suddenly it's hit me that this is it, I'm full term, ready to go and that this is the end of my pregnancy. I have to say I'm ready not to be pregnant anymore, walking anywhere of any great distance is pretty hard and the waddle is definitely present. Sleeping is pretty uncomfortable and I've suddenly realised how big I am. When I've been out and about I've definitely noticed those sideways glances and some slightly afraid looking people like I might suddenly go into labour then and there.

Last week we had our last hospital appointment, and I'm relieved to say that all is looking ok. The original heart problem is still looking likely but I think the cardiologist ruled out the other problem that they were unsure of. The size of the baby is still slightly larger than average, but not of any great concern. I am still set to go into natural labour and go up to my due date. Even so I have an induction booked for a few days after my due date, which ideally I don't want to get to. I have an appointment with the midwife booked for a sweep next week, which if Theo is anything to go by, could kick start the labour. Scary hey?

20 December 2015

It's that time again...

So guess what...it's time for another minor freak out and some more rambling from my brain. We of course have another hospital appointment tomorrow, one last heart and growth scan, which is most likely the cause of the racing thoughts going through my head and the need to let them escape onto this page.

 I'm dreading the scan tomorrow. I have the fear of bad news, even though there hasn't really been any more bad news since we've been having the extra scans, just possibilities and wait and sees. At our last scan the consultant informed us that the left ventricle was smaller than it was last time and whilst it didn't worry her, and she gave us her medical opinion that she didn't see it developing into a further problem, but still had to give us information on another heart condition that it could point to. A much more serious heart condition with a lower survival rate, more surgeries and unknown quality of life. Me being me needed to know the worse case scenario, and it did scare me. Suddenly what they originally diagnosed didn't seem that bad at all, and these past four weeks has seen me silently telling myself and the baby (and the universe) that everything will be ok, and that this isn't going to happen to us. In a way I don't even really want to go tomorrow, I don't want any bad news, not now that we're so close.

14 December 2015

This last year

 So seeing that I sort of failed my 52 project this year I thought I would do a little round up of my favourite photographs that I did manage to capture. I feel guilty for not completing the project as I do really treasure the photographs I managed to take and it's a lovely gift to be able to look back on at the end of the year and remember all the little moments and see how much Theo has changed and grown. I made it until June, right about when I started to feel horrendous due to the pregnancy. I'm sorry Theo, this baby is already changing things!

I kind of feel like I want to take the time too to look back and cherish these moments, and the weeks are flying by and suddenly I've had the realisation that the small amount of time as just a family of three is fast approaching its end. It's been nearly five years of just us, learning, growing and loving as a family. This boy changed our lives forever and it scares me that it's all about to change once more. I know that change is good, and I'm excited about the new adventures we will have hopefully as a family of four, and to witness the new bond that will come with Theo having a brother. 

04 December 2015

All the emotions

So are you ready for another emotion mind dump? Well it's coming anyway.

 First of all, I think my brain just needs somewhere to go ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, every so often and right now it's here, so sorry about that. It's got to happen somewhere and I can feel myself get more and more agitated and worried and it feels like it's all going to boil over unless I somehow let it escape somewhere. But it seems to boil over anyway.

 This week, and the last have been hard. My emotions have been all over the place, I definitely have my cross days where everything seems like it's going against me and I just want a bit of peace. There are days where everything is actually fine and I get a glimpse of what the normal pregnancy would be feeling like and somehow seem to forget everything that is going on. Then there's the days full of anxiety and worry which then leads onto the days where I can feel the dam of tears swelling up behind my eyes and trying my hardest not to let them break free at the wrong moments. I have always loved the power of having a good cry, and when I do finally let them out, and have half an hour or so of good sobbing, nose running, drenched face crying it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 So it's been tough, I somehow convinced myself a little that this time would be somehow easier than the bit when we were waiting for results just after diagnosis. We can get ready and prepare and just wait for the baby and carry on like normal. Except that hasn't happened. There just seems to be more could be's about babies condition every week, new worries we didn't even consider and more potential bad news. There's never a straight answer, there's could be's and hope nots and unlikelys, but there's always the small chance. Just sit tight, wait and see and try not to worry.

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