So I already have second child mum guilt. When I started this blog it was to document my ever changing body and emotions throughout my pregnancy with Theo. It wasn't always on schedule or that interesting, but there were little updates for most weeks that passed. So far this time I've managed one. Whoops. I do though in fact blame the baby for being quite uncooperative with my need to use the computer and be able to look at a screen and not need to vomit.
But here we are at 18 weeks and I am finally able to drag myself out of my little hibernation and try and recall how the past few months have been. I think you can imagine from my silence that they've been pretty tough. In those early weeks, around weeks 8-11 I felt truly horrid, inhuman and just not able to function properly. I think anxiety played a major part in the way I was feeling and it made me just want to hide away. I had no energy, couldn't eat regular meal, had really bad bloating and just felt so sick for the majority of the time. I relied on weird combinations of foods that didn't make me want to puke such large amounts of marmite on toast, tinned peaches and salt and vinegar crisps. Lovely. I had all the cravings for comfort food, but not the stomach to eat them!
Other things that made me want to throw up included: febreeze and anything artificially 'fresh' scented, I had to throw away my deodorant as when I applied it it made me heave. Looking at my phone and computer screen, especially editing images. There was something about certain colours (I know this sounds weird!) that made me feel especially sick! I can't even remember any other specific thing, but there were lots let me assure you. I decided to take the plunge and try acupuncture for the first time and I'm so very glad I did. I think part of it was just talking through my symptoms and actually addressing the fact that I was feeling very anxious. It definitely seemed to help with that, my tiredness and the nausea.
I think until we actually reached the 12 week mark and had our scan I still didn't really let myself believe that it was all real and actually happening. I have to say that still I have my reservations now, but as my stomach continues to grow and I've started feeling what I believe to be little flutters it's starting to feel a little more real.
I just have to say I've really really struggled with this pregnancy so far, I've struggled with having to slow right down and just feeling a bit useless and pathetic. It's hard when you're used to a fairly active lifestyle to suddenly have to stop and not being able to manage even the simplest of tasks. I'm pretty sure that this will be my last pregnancy, and perhaps its a rose tinted glasses thing, but I did really enjoy my first with Theo and it seems such a shame that perhaps this one won't be remembered in the same way, but I've still got nearly half of it left though to redeem itself!
Right now I'm recovering from a horrible cold that had me knocked out for about two days, just when I thought I was getting better something else seems to come along and floor me for a little while again. Lovely. I really don't like to complain about it all, but right now there's little that is making me feel that positive, other than the fact that hopefully I am growing another healthy baby who will change and brighten our lives. But even that is making me feel anxious! I've looked into and hopefully found an active birthing class that I will start soon, which will hopefully make me be able to stay positive and a little more active and prepared. Once Theo starts school (don't get me started...) hopefully I'll be able to use my days to swim, work and rest and get back to a bit more of a regular blogging routine.
So for now I think that's about it. We're off to Greenman this weekend, and yep you guessed it, I've been feeling pretty anxious about that too. We've got our fingers crossed for ok weather as I'm not sure how much I will be able to cope with staying in a tent in the rain for four days, but we will just have to see!