16 April 2015

The due date

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So this week has been an emotional one I'd say, for various reasons. Hormones, school placements and the would be due date of the baby.

Now this may once again seem self indulgent talking about the miscarriage once more, and perhaps some might think that I should be over it by now, but I can't really say that I am. Do you ever really get over it?

Six months has passed, and even though I tried not to pay close attention to it, the fact of the miscarriage and not being pregnant anymore was always at the back of my mind. Every so often I would think to myself, "I'd be this many weeks by now" or imaging how big I would be by this time and going through the stages mentally and all the would be's and could be's at each different stage. Then it came to this week, the week the baby would have been born had everything gone to plan.

The thing that makes me saddest about it all is that I imagine how things would have been for Theo. I'm sad that he won't get this chance to be a brother at home with a baby before he starts school. I'm sad that he will have reached a new stage in his life never knowing what it would be like to have a baby and a sibling around, and I'm sad because I can see how much he loves other people's babies and I'm worried that if we do eventually have another baby he will have grown out of that stage.

I feel like I've been putting my life on hold waiting to see if we get pregnant again, and in a desperate way I guess, I've been wanting to replace what we lost. I feel a bit better now that the would be due date is here and it feels like I can maybe move on from the loss and thinking about what would have been and concentrate on a whole new baby being created, different from the one that could have been.

It's been a hard few months of trying, waiting and being disappointed. New pregnancies are announced, babies have been born and all the while it feels like it will never happen to us again. I know stress has a huge part to play in not conceiving, but I guess it's hard not to put so much onto something when you really want it to happen.

I think I feel sad about a whole bunch of things especially to do with Theo going to school in September. For me I feel like it truly marks the end of his babyhood, the time of just me and him (and Rob too obviously!) being together the majority of the time. I feel like I have to share him and that he'll no longer look to me for guidance. I know it's all a bit melodramatic! The house is going to be quiet and the weeks will fly by. I guess I'm just not ready to be not so needed, for his new independence and so many experiences happening without me by his side. I miss my little baby! I obviously love him to bits as he is now, and have loved watching him grow into the boy he is today..but why does it have to go so fast?

But as of now I feel like I just need to make the most of what we have got. To cherish the time I have left with Theo before he starts school, and be glad that I have given him my undivided love and attention throughout his babyhood. I need to start loving myself a little more, take care of my body and try and not get stressed about what could have been. I feel now that Spring has sprung and new life is emerging I need to embrace this new start. To know that it's all over now, the date has passed and its time to move on and start again. 

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