28 November 2014


So it's been a little over a two months since my miscarriage happened, and even though it feels like I'm dragging it back up again, the truth is that it hasn't really gone away. Behind the scenes of normal life and getting back into routine, there isn't a moment in the day where I am not thinking about what happened.

In those first few weeks, even the month after it happened I felt like I had dealt with it all quite well. My rational head made sense of all that happened, I had cried my tears for it and felt as though my emotions were all in the right place. But as these things tend to do, it never really went away. As I've never had to go through something like this before, or known anyone really close to me go through it I had little experience of how long it would take to "get over it". Perhaps you don't ever really get over it? 

Two weeks after my procedure I finally returned to work, the hardest thing I had to do. A few people knew and the thought of having to explain things to my colleagues was heartbreaking. I was worried people would be asking questions about my absence and I feared I wouldn't be able answer. Having to just act normal when something like this had happened, and feeling like I couldn't fully explain something so personal to people I barely knew was something that made me so nervous. But apart from a few first shaky moments things returned to normal so quickly, with little questions asked. And thats when it started to feel weird. I was back, like normal, not pregnant. 

I think the hardest part of it all was to get my head around the fact that even though I'd spent nearly three months being pregnant, and dealing with all the effects that it had on my body, to suddenly not be anymore. There were certain dates and events that came and went, where I'd imagined I'd be pregnant. I get caught out thinking that this is when I'd be going for our scan, or that this is when I'd be starting to show etc. All to be not, just like that. I'd see pregnant ladies and think that could me be, and every time I caught a glimpse of news about the inescapable coverage of the second royal baby, it was like a punch to the gut. Probably one of the most publicised pregnancies, all around the stages I should be, and that hurts. 

When normal cycles finally returned I think it hit me the most. In big clear writing, you are NOT pregnant anymore. Like somehow I'd been holding out that it had all been a mistake and everything was fine. In the last few weeks I've had moments where conversations and images come back to me during that whole time and process, and they really take me off guard. Like I'd somehow not processed them all yet and now they were surfacing when I least expected them too. Then I started to feel the urge to be pregnant once more. 

I've been broody before when I've seen newborns, or pregnant ladies but nothing could prepare me for the feeling of needing it. It feels like slight torture as each week goes by, and another one that I'm not pregnant. Perhaps its because with Theo the whole pregnancy and impending motherhood took me by surprise, not entirely ready for it or planning that for my future, but wanting it all the same. The second time, perhaps even though we did plan it I didn't feel 100% ready either. It wasn't a longing to be pregnant, but perhaps something we should starting trying for, and then loosing that just illuminated the fact that I did actually really want a baby, and to be pregnant once more. Life is a funny old thing, and that sometimes it takes loosing something to make you realise how much you wanted it in the first place, its cruel but perhaps true. Now every week that passes and I'm not pregnant feels like torture. 

I know it will happen when it will happen, when the time is right for that baby, but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt everyday that goes on. 

So, that's that. Just waiting, and processing. 

26 November 2014

A family walk

Over the weekend we had lots of visitors, a mile long list of errands and a day of DIY planned. After a busy morning spent tackling Ikea, our friends arrived for a catch up. We played hide and seek, ate lunch and waited for my dad to arrive for the weekend. An hour or two later with a slightly over crowded house and an over excited child we decided to make the most of the appearance of the late afternoon sun and jump in the car to travel the short distance to Snuff Mills. 

We haven't returned here since the beginning of the year, when I actually very first started this slightly neglected project. But I can assure you that the wait was worth it, to see the woodland in its Autumnal glory, with the Beech, Hazel and Oak bringing in the last of the seasonal colours. The ground was carpeted with thick hues of orange, brown, red and yellow, and the bare black barked trees contrasted with those with leaves still clinging to their branches. We climbed on logs, watched the river flow, dropping sticks for races and petted dogs along our way. Soon the sun started to dip behind the trees, and the low mist rolled in as we made our way back to the car, as we left perfectly contented once more to have some fresh air in our lungs.

25 November 2014

Theo gift guide

 photo Untitled-1copy_zps353fdc2c.jpg

So it's the time of year to start thinking about Christmas presents! I know that's not really what Christmas is all about and we certainly don't ever go over the top with things for Theo as I want him to understand its not just about getting presents but it is nice to be able to give a few well thought about presents to see his face light up with joy! 

I've actually managed to get most of his presents already, and am just on the look out for a few stocking fillers, of which a few of the items from Muji caught my eye! Have you started your shopping yet? Will you be making, shopping online or doing a last minute dash to the local high street? I absolutely love this idea seen on Lia's blog, a homemade gift set! Am wracking my brain for something similar for Theo's birthday! You can see more of my gift ideas on my pinterest board! 
 photo Untitled-1_zps8b07532c.jpg1 - Wooden solar system: Muji // 2 - Wooden football table: Muji // 3- Accordian: John Lewis // 4 - Jumper: Tootsa Macginty // 5 - Once upon an alphabet, Animalium, Almost everything: Foyles // 6 - Traffic Jam game: Muji // 7 - Miniture train set: Iota // 
8 - Dinner winner plate: Iota

23 November 2014

forty - seven / fifty - two

His new favourite position in the bath, he would lie for hours if we let him nearly stretching the whole length of the tub. 

Am I allowed to share others from this 'shoot'? Click to see more! 

21 November 2014

Montessori at home

Continuing with Theo's number obsession of late I thought we'd try and really simple pattern making game. He quite like things in order, and counting seems to fit in with that nicely as well as noticing patterns. I find it difficult to engage him in 'arty' activities, he certainly isn't one to sit and colour for hours, and is yet to really start drawing his own pictures instead he prefers to just write his own name. I guess all children have different skills and interests and I hope I can encourage him to follow what he enjoys doing. But a little gentle prodding to try and get him to enjoy using pen and paper doesn't hurt either right?

So I created an incredibly simple pattern sheet, used a key with numbers and its corresponding shape stamp and let him figure out the rest. I started with two rows of an easy pattern, to see if he got the hang of it, then changed it around a bit. You could obviously make it easier or harder by changing the patterns or adding more numbers and stamps. It's one that we can go back to again and again for a little bit of stamping action, which helps to recognise numbers and predict patterns. 

We used these great little stamp pens from Ikea  but homemade stamps or any others you have lying around would work well too! 

19 November 2014

Shelf life

So I may have mentioned quite a few times with all this house stuff about putting up shelves. I've become shelf obsessed. I feel like shelfs in a home are where you can show your personality, and tell a story of your life. My favourite ones contains favourite books, pictures, heirlooms, found objects, plants and collections. I love objects that tell stories, and I love the fact you can display those stories on your walls. 

I love clutter, but it has to be organised, when shelves become dumping grounds it really tends to wind me up! Everything has to have its place, but it doesn't have to be perfect! A little like organised clutter. I love that objects and style can change as the seasons come and go, as the family grows and changes and tastes develop. So basically I've got big plans for our shelves, they're coming along nicely, but I always love a bit of inspiration! 

So that's about it...just thought you needed to know about my shelf obsession. 

All of these images were found via pinterest 

18 November 2014

A family walk around Wells

On Saturday we decided to leave Bristol behind and travelled through the mist encapsulated Somerset countryside to the small city of Wells. More like the bustling market town of my childhood than the city I now reside in, save for the giant cathedral. 

As we reached more populated areas the mist lifted and we were treated to that glorious late Autumn sunshine, cutting through buildings, peaking over tree tops with a milky blue sky above. We joined the Saturday crowds as we browsed charity shops, stopping for freshly baked pastries and steaming coffee on the edge of the market. After exploring the markets with an abundance of fresh produce and wares we walked to the riverside and through the old cloisters of the great cathedral. We played and collected leaves beneath the giant plane tree before making our way back through the old streets and onwards to home as the sun started to dip behind the rows of houses. 

It was refreshing to visit somewhere new and unknown, to discover the shops and leaving wanting to return soon to find more! 
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