30 September 2014

bed rest

I've been spending slightly more time in the bedroom these past few weeks, because of sickness, tiredness, hibernating and because it makes me feel happy. My bed has become my space for healing and hiding away from the world outside. As Autumn approaches it needs to be cosy and comfortable. 

When we moved into our new house, our focus was the make the bedrooms as liveable as possible, whilst we sorted out the rest of the house. Even if that meant not having a kitchen for a few months and unpainted walls and floors downstairs. The decor wasn't exactly to our taste and we wanted a clean look, but ultimately the bedroom still needs to be warm and cosy. I'd say that our bedroom is used most often at the moment, whilst we finish up the living room. I use it to do my work, watch tv, have morning cuddles with Theo, read books, play games and to of course sleep. I enjoy spending time here.

Here are a few photographs of the transformation of the room, starting with the previous owners room. 

We ripped up the carpet, painted over the old yellow, painted the floor boards, cupboard and door. Even though it's smaller than our previous rooms, it feels bright and airy thanks to the white. There's still lots to do, such as pictures, shelves and unpacking more of our less functional but pretty things, but it's getting there! 

One great addition to the room has been a much lusted over item for me. We were lucky enough to be sent a set of lights from Cable and Cotton. They have totally transformed the room and make it cosy and inviting. We choose the Marshmallow set, complete with  set of hand crafted orbs that glow in the most pleasing pastel colours. When unlit they create a row of beautiful hanging woven lanterns and when lit they create a warm glow, framing the bed. I love them! 

p.s sorry some of the photos are bad quality, some were captured on my phone! 

We were sent the set of lights c/o Cable and Cotton for the purpose of this review, but I really do love them (and have for some time!) so all words are my honest opinion! 

27 September 2014

A year ago

So on a more positive note, as that's what we're trying to be, I'm glad to be able to celebrate our first wedding anniversary this weekend. Whilst technically our actual anniversary is tomorrow, I'm reminded that a year ago on a Saturday morning we were busying ourselves getting ready to meet and be married. 

Waking up at 5am I started going over and over all the things I needed to remember for the day, and finally by 6am deciding that it was a reasonable time to get up, my maid of honour and I started to get ready. Too excited and nervous for breakfast we awaited to arrival of my sisters and for the chaos of dressing to begin. Then as we were ready to leave all the emotion, nerves and tension of the planning and waiting caught up on me and the tears arrived. They didn't stop as my parents greeted us, and as we sipped prosecco and finally walked to the venue. I gave details to the registrar in a blur, handing over our music and tried to take deep breathes as the doors were opened and the room full of our friends and family came into view. I blubbed my way in, and finally joined Rob, waiting for me. 

The rest, the rest was amazing. I know it's cliche and cheesy, but it really was one of the best days of my life, for a multitude of reasons. I'm sad that we don't get to do it all again this year, but I'm happy that we can relive it through this amazing video, captured by my truly talented cousin and gifted to us. I can't thank her enough, or in fact anyone who put in so much effort to make our day as special as it was. Thinking of you all! 

Abigail and Robert from Grace Pluckrose-Oliver on Vimeo.

If there's just one tiny thing, just one thing I could change about the day, it would be that we held Theo's hand and walked out together. The poor boy was suffering with a cold, and we were all a little overwhelmed, and everything happened so fast, but I'm glad we finally scooped him up though for leaving the registry and being showered in confetti. 

Music by Fionn Regan, For a Nightengale

25 September 2014

when you never think it will happen to you

So much like this time last year, this week has been tiring, stressful and emotional but for entirely different reasons.

As we approach our first wedding anniversary this weekend, I can say I've never been more grateful to have a husband to be there by my side. 

So I don't know really where to start, but I feel I need to write it down and record this. It's been quiet over these past few months as I'd been suffering quite badly with morning sickness and pregnancy wipe out. We told close friends and family, but as usual we were going to wait until the 12 week scan to share our good news with the rest. Our scan was booked for next Tuesday, and we were awaiting it with excitement and hope that I start to feel better. But like so much else that happens, things don't always go according to plan.

We decided to try again for another baby earlier this year, and after everything went well with the house move and the start of renovating we gave it a shot and without too much trouble I became pregnant quickly. I felt happy, but also scared, unsure of the future and whether it would be too much for me, but excited to embark on that journey none the less. We wanted this baby but the reality of it is scary, counting down the months left of just a family of three. As the weeks progressed I felt sick, was sick many times and felt entirely different to my pregnancy with Theo. Perhaps because of the circumstances of my first pregnancy, our age and the naivety that nothing could go wrong I felt excited and attached from the beginning first time around. It was unknown and a sort of adventure. 

This time felt different. I didn't ever voice my concerns or worries, but there was always a shadow of doubt and fear of something going wrong in the back of my mind. It was something that wasn't there before, but was ever so present this time. I don't know whether it was because I was feeling so sick, but I just didn't feel as attached, or as jubilant. I don't know whether it was intuition, but forward to 11 weeks, this week, my fears were confirmed. In the evening of Monday I suffered with bleeding, and the next morning after seeing my GP I was referred to the early pregnancy clinic for a scan. We sat and waited in a corridor with other couples there for perhaps similar reasons, awaiting the news they were dreading or hoping for. This scan was not filled with the excitement of seeing the baby for the first time, it's arms and legs flickering on the screen. I felt sick with worry, but as we waited it out in that hallway I held onto the hope that it was just something that happens sometimes, and everything would be ok. When we eventually got called into the dark room we waited for the news we didn't want to speak about. I couldn't see the screen, but Rob could, and for a brief moment he saw an image on screen and thought everything was ok. A minute or two later, we were gently told that there was a baby there, but sadly it no longer had a heartbeat. Whilst I was technically 11 weeks, this little baby had stopped growing around 8 weeks. My body remained in its pregnant state, it felt pregnant, it still does. In that moment of loss it became apparent how much we did want this little being in our lives, and the loss of it was devastating. 

It's only been a few days, and we've had to make decisions on how to go forward and how to return to normal. This world of loss and this sort of pain is new to me, and I don't really know how to feel. It happens to so so many people, people I know personally and people I don't but it still doesn't change it. I feel empty, sad but numb. It's one of those things you don't ever think will happen to you, but as the weeks went by and more and more people announced their new pregnancy's, safely making it past the 12 week mark. In the back of my mind I thought about the 1 in 4 statistics and feared the worst. I'm sad for the life that isn't meant to be, for the future we were planning, and I'm just sad that this happens, to me and to many others. It makes me thankful for our healthy child, and makes me even sadder for people who experience complications and loss further on in pregnancy and infancy. Pregnancy, childbirth and parenting is something that I never knew could contain such utter joy, but such utter devastation also. You put your whole being and emotion into creating new life and for however amazing and mind blowing it can be, the other side is just as intense. 

So thats where we are. We're just taking it one day at a time, looking forward to the future and trying to stay positive for Theo. I feel ok about it, but I'm unsure of how the grieving process will go. Sharing it here is something that I feel is important. It helps me process and after all is a moment in our family history that we will never forget and that life, however short, deserves to be thought and talked about. It may seem self indulgent, or over sharing and I know that people suffer much more in silence, but I believe it's good to talk. To know that other people out there have experienced the same as you and go on to get back to normal is helpful. I feel like these things need to be talked about. 

20 September 2014

Postcards from Scotland 5

It seems only fitting to perhaps post these set of photographs. They are perhaps my favourite from our whole trip and the most perfect end to a perfect day spent soaking up this beautiful country.

So yesterday Scotland voted no to independence, and even though a little of me feels disappointed that such a momentous moment in history didn't quite happen for those who wanted it, I am glad that we still remain United. For to lose Scotland from our fair isles would be a great shame. Not just for the beauty, but for the people and the passion. I'm proud of a Nation that stands up for what they believe, for when given the chance, so many want to have their say and to believe that this will all encourage change for the future, in a positive way. So without being too political, I just wanted to say I'm thankful and proud for peaceful democracy, that isn't of course without it's faults but that hopefully works.

These photographs were taken after our trip to the beach, whilst on the Island of Bute. After a delicious pub dinner and local ale we started our trip back to the cottage winding our way back once more around the Lochs and through the hills. As we rounded a corner a huge inviting hill came into view, and with a split second decision I pulled over into a lay by and we decided to burn off some dinner and climb to the top to see the view. A we were not disappointed. We climbed through the bracken, lay on the heather and admired the reaching views across the joining bodies of water. 

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