06 May 2012

Expansion

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but didn't really know where to start. The subject is constantly on my mind and I feel like I'm constantly thinking up pros and cons of each. So the subject is the dun dun dun...having another baby.

No no don't worry I'm not pregnant so don't go fretting (mother), but it's just something I and we think about quite a lot. I think because we made it through the first year pretty well and Theo is no longer a baby it's something that pops up every now and then that we discuss.

Ever since Fritha announced her pregnancy and I followed her progress and then eventually got to meet the wonderful Wilf, I became so broody! Really broody to be pregnant again. Then it seemed like everyone was announcing pregnancies, Murr, Alice, Emma, Josie and Emma (and many more!) And even more recently Rachel and James. So you can imagine my broodiness has just grown and grown, especially as more are coming to the end of their pregnancies and my internet world is flooded with pictures of ridiculously cute babies!

I loved being pregnant, and even though I had a few gripes with bad headaches and shaky legs I wouldn't say that anything was that bad and I felt good for most of it. I would love to do it again as I loved that feeling of wonder and awe you feel for your body as it grows a tiny human being! I also would like to have another go at the giving birth part. Theo's birth didn't go to 'plan' but at the end of it he arrived safely and that's all that mattered. But if there were to be a next time I would like to perhaps hopefully feel more in control and more relaxed and have a bit of a smoother (hopefully) more natural birth. But then I would have to think about  how I would deal with being pregnant and having another child to look after. I know I was so tried during lots of the pregnancy, and how would I be able to rest lots when I would be running around after a very active little boy? I'm sure I would find a way, as people do it all the time right?

But on the other hand, and this is something I feel sometimes when I look at Theo and our little family life, that what we have is enough. When Theo came into our lives it made sense, and everything seemed to fit into place. He made everything complete (corny) and sometimes I think what more could we want or need? Things might be easier in the future with just a family of three, finance for example, flexibility to travel etc... but then the thought of not being able to do it all again makes me sad. It would make me sad that I wouldn't be able to meet my baby after the long 9 months and have that amazing feeling of love. We wouldn't be able to experience the first smiles, the first giggle or see the baby take their first steps again. I already feel that it's gone so so quickly, too quickly, with Theo, he's not a baby anymore! And I don't know if I could say I'm ok with not doing it all again. Of course there are the not so easy parts of having a new baby, the sleepless nights, feeding, teething, but like Theo's journey those things have always been over shadowed by the good and amazingly heart warming moments that come with having a baby.

This sounds a lot like I'm convincing myself to have another baby, I'm not, and if we did have another one I think we'd be prepared to wait for the right time. We have time on our side and if we did decide to wait 4 or 5 years then we would still be young!

But one of the things that scares me most about having another child is the worry. I feel we have been lucky and blessed to have a happy healthy baby and child, and that there were no complications in my pregnancy, that sometimes I think how would I cope if something did go wrong? Now I know what I could lose. That sounds morbid doesn't it? But it's a reality to think about. Everyone hopes for a healthy baby, but sometimes things are out of your control, and even after they are born something could happen. One of the things that hit me the most about becoming a mother was the fear. The fear of anything and everything happening to your child to harm them, and the indescribable feeling of trying to conceive what it would be like if anything did. How would I be able to cope with that feeling x2? Of having two little beings to worry about? I know this is just focusing on the negative, but it's a feeling that's always there in the back of my mind.

But then I guess you can't live your life saying what if, and never experiencing anything because of the chance it could go wrong. And I don't know if I could deny myself the joy and pure love that comes with raising a baby.

Another thing I think about is that I would be sad if I denied Theo the chance to have a sibling. Having two sisters myself I know how great it is to have those relationships. A sibling relationship is something special that can't be recreated and I would absolutely love to see Theo and a potential future child become great friends and have an amazing bond.

So most of my dilemmas end in a positive outlook towards having another child don't they? But it sort of helps to write them down and sort out my muddled thoughts on the matter! I think for us there will hopefully be another child, but not yet. I can definitely see the benefits of having children close together, and I truly admire people who do, but I don't think that's the way it's going to happen for us. I think we need to take the time that has been given to us by having Theo at a young age and make sure it's the right time when/if we do eventually decide to have another baby.

So that's about it! I'm sure some of my thoughts on this matter are a bit silly and a bit extreme, but they're just thoughts and sometimes it's good to get them out right?!

Guess we'll just have to wait and see what the future has in store for us...

(and I'll be super excited to share it all with you if this little blog is still here, fingers crossed!)

4 comments :

  1. Ahh you make me want another one with this post! i understand your worries. i don't have time on my side so much ;)
    you would make it work what ever happened. trust that you are a good mum abbi and have baby no2 when you feel ready. i think theo seems lovely though...you obviously make nice happy handsome babies, it'd be a shame not to have more!!!

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  2. Haha I know makes me want another one now too! In my head I thought this post would be pretty even in pros and cons, but when writing it all down it ended up as a very much pro 'let's have another baby!' but that's not going to happen anytime soon! Think I might have made people think I was pregnant again, but am definitely not!

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  3. You have this uncanny way of posting what I'm thinking! Amelie is only 3 weeks old and I'm already thinking about whether I want another one. During the morning sickness and hormonal hideousness of the first trimester I was convinced I'd never do it again! But even though I certainly wouldn't want to get pregnant again so soon, I can't believe I'm already considering it especially given how challenging the birth was. Power of evolution I guess. You're lucky in that you have time on your side. This must be much trickier for women in their mid thirties who feel it's now or never. I guess you can just wait and see what the future holds!

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  4. Haha I think that's a sign of when you read a blog you really get on with and is good, when it talks about what you're always thinking! It's crazy isn't it though? I think the want for another one is some sort of relief feeling, and a belief in your own body. No matter how bad the birth, that if they arrived safely and are healthy, then you sort of believe in yourself, like I did it! And once you know your bodies capabilities you're like right, I can do this again right?! I swore that when I was in labour I would never do it again, and even though I remember saying that, and why I was saying it, I still want to do it again! But we shall see right?!

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