12 August 2011

a tough week

wow I can't actually believe it's Friday again, where has this week gone..oh right it's been swallowed by my all consuming exhausting bad mood...

I don't know if anyone else has experienced the 6 month wave of exhaustion? Sometimes this week I've felt as tired as I did in those very first weeks of Theo's life. I've been sleeping with Theo in the afternoons when he's taken his naps, because I literally can't keep my eyes open. I've also had those horrid feelings of being fed up, uninspired, worried about money and everything else and just feeling a little stuck.

I hate, hate feeling like this, because I actually love my little life, and really couldn't ask for anything more. I feel so lucky to have my little family and a nice comfortable home. It makes me feel like I'm being a spoilt brat and I should be more thankful that I have a happy, lovely healthy baby. A wonderful boyfriend (fiancee eek!) who is patient with me and is wonderful with everything else. And great family and friends to talk to and help out. I in fact feel really lucky. But sometimes it's easier to wallow in self pity, right?

Yesterday I met up with two twitter mummies and had a lovely afternoon (@stillawake and @kimbled) Kimberlee and I had a great and inspiring chat about future projects that I'm very excited about, but will talk about that more later on.

We also chatted about all things baby and mummy related, and again I do feel so lucky for what I have, and how things have turned out. We talked about something which I have talked about with many other mums about, and that is the feeling of the hugest amount of love and fear you feel for your baby at the same time. No-one ever really tells you about it before the baby is here, probably because it is pretty indescribable. But I guess it starts when you are pregnant, knowing that at some point something could go wrong, and even though you haven't met this little creature growing inside of you, you feel so protective over it already, and you fear so much anything going wrong. But when you actually meet the baby then that feeling is suddenly catapulted into the realm of the incomprehensible. When thinking about something happening to either Theo myself or Rob (which sadly happens quite a lot) I'm filled with the biggest feeling of fear and sadness at what life would be like if that did happen. It makes my brain hurt so much because I can't actually begin to know or feel what it would be like. When watching the news or programmes about things happening to peoples children or parents it pretty much makes me cry instantly because I put myself in that position. It is such an amazing parody. That the love you feel can be both so fulfilling and devastating at the same time.

So that's all, wow I don't really know where that all came from, not what I intended to write about, but I guess that's what this little blog here is all about! So my lesson for today is to stop being such a grump and be bloody thankful for what I have, as it is perfect.

6 comments :

  1. and be happy cause I'm coming to stay!

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  2. pah! just wrote a long reply and it wouldnt let me post! great post Abby! I feel like I can already understand but it must be 1000 worse when they are born! xx

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  3. I can totally understand how you feel! I hit a slump when Frankie was around 6 months and I spent a month feeling exhausted, unenthusiastic and petrified of something happening to Frankie. I was totally irrational. It does pass and you just keep having to repeat all the good things that are in your life!

    It's good to get things out on your blog - it's what it's there for! x

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  4. hello Abi. We can all hang out next week, so that's good.
    But yep, blogs are good for spilling the beens, as Bryony says, but it's only half-way to human interaction. I recognise the symptoms you describe, of exhaustion, easy-to-cry, etc, and also the guilt that comes with the accompanying knowledge that there's nothing to be depressed about. But it's probably easy - being mindful of that knowledge - for you to ignore you're actual behaviour, which sounds a little depressed to me. Nothing wrong or unusual about that, in anybody, let alone a new mum (so I hear), and these things are better nipped in the bud. Best way to do that is to talk to somebody professional about it, who you dont already know. Most NHS surgeries have an in-house councillor who you can see regularly for free. There are no magic tricks - usually just formally acknowledging a minor issue like this and having a chat with that person who is outside of your sphere is enough to move on from it before it becomes (not necessarily, but what's the harm in not risking it?) a larger problem. Just book an appointment at the GP, tell them what's up and they'll refer you. Im sure they wouldnt, but if they try to prescribe you anything, then they suck. you just need a chat. And, perhaps, a drunken teary-eyed nostalgia session under a tree with friends in the essex countryside.

    odd.

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  5. I hear you - I'm sorry you've been feeling that way. But what eloquent words. Said a prayer for you!

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