16 July 2011

Not a nice thought...

I just had a horrible realisation...

Tonight as I was feeding Theo and putting him to bed, I realised that it is nearly the end of July, which means it will be August soon, which means it will be a month until my maternity leave is over, which means I will have to go back to work. Aside from all the problems of me going back to work (if I even can go back to work at my old job, or finding a new job, nursery business), the thought of leaving Theo in a month and a half and not spending all day everyday with him scares me silly.

He is still so young, and I can't imagine anyone looking after him who isn't me. I sort of just forgot about it, and it was always this far away time that I would come to at some point. Now that point is coming nearer I don't think I want to deal with it at all.

Since I don't have a 'career' I really am not looking forward to going back to work. It's not something I'm interested in, and it doesn't feel like me. Staying at home with my baby is something I'm interested in and that feels right to me. But I know it's probably not really possible for me, and we live in a far from ideal world. Just September is so close, maybe if it was November or December that would be better, Theo would be older and not so dependent on me.

I wish I had some grand plan, I wish that I could find out what I really want to do with myself, and I wish it involved being able to work from home.

I can't leave my baby.

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