07 January 2011

Regret

AAhhh. I'm not really sure what is happening, but I keep on feeling little slices of regret. I know it's just normal anxieties, but sometimes I find myself thinking, "I wish I wasn't having a baby". That's a really harsh thing to think, and whenever I think about the little thing inside me squirming around I feel awful.

It's little things that set me off, stupid things, like lying on the sofa watching tv with Rob, and thinking, this is all going to change in a few weeks. I think also it's because I know its going to change, but I can't imagine how it's going to be. Also I know it's eventually going to happen, but I have no idea when, and sometimes it doesn't seem as though it ever will. Like we'll constantly be counting down. I know I've said all this before, but I'm really really worried and scared about things changing, and how we're going to manage. I just can't fully relax and enjoy these last few weeks, because I know they are just that, the last few weeks. I know things are going to change, and hopefully it will change our lifes in an amazing way, but I just get scared that I'm really not ready for that change, and want to hang on to the way things are for longer.

I can't really describe how I feel, but its this feeling of anxiousness and fear. It makes me feel sad and also a bit desperate about what we are about to lose.

I know at some point I'm going to look back on this post and think I was mad to be saying this, but it's what I'm feeling. I feel bad for the baby for thinking this, and I'm so glad that he does exist and will very soon be with us, and that I love him a lot already, but I'm bloody scared!

This post doesn't really make much sense, but I think I just needed to get something out...

1 comment :

  1. I'd say what you're feeling is completely normal. I felt like that at times towards the end and we planned our baby so I knew exactly what was going to happen! Still made me a little sad towards the end thinking "soon I won't be able to do this" or "soon I'll have to always be thinking about someone else and not just what I want to do" when I was home alone chilling and waiting for her to arrive.

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