30 September 2010

uh oh

oh no, I appear to be ill. I woke up this morning with a really tight chest and horrid coughing that feels like you are ripping the insides of your lungs out. Not good.

I was supposed to be helping Rob with the decorating of the room next door, soon to be our bedroom, but unfortunately I could only manage a meager amount of poly filling some holes, before I had to retreat to my bed, where I have been all day. My appetite has seemed to increase though, which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing.

It's a little bit scary feeling ill when you are pregnant, your body is already doing so much, that the tiniest thing seems to knock you out completely. I feel slightly pathetic! But it also worries me for the future, because what happens when you are ill like this, but there is a baby to look after, I won't really be able to lie around in bed all day resting, and even worse when they are a toddler. I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it!

Well that's all for now, I don't think I can really manage much more, see pathetic right?

 This is my ill face, for all of those who want to see...

p.s I just had a bath, and I saw my stomach move when I felt the baby kick. How strange and wonderful.

28 September 2010

Hi there

So I have surprised myself. Rob took pictures of my stomach today, and perhaps because I haven't done it in a while I was slightly taken aback as to how much bigger it looks.

Today has been a weird day. I was working, but felt completely drained and had no energy or enthusiasm at all. I woke up feeling a bit groggy, so I hope, really hope that I'm not coming down with something...

Anyway when I got home from work, Rob and I went to B&Q to buy some paint. This means that we get to start painting and decorating his brothers old bedroom, into our bedroom, hoooray! We bought special nice fume-free paint, which is good for me and baby, and for the environment. But it was a bit more expensive. I will try and take photos on Thursday when we start decorating to show the progress! I'm excited! We then went to Tesco's and did our first big shop together, which was good, but we disagreed on buying meat, because I don't really ever buy meat, because I can't afford to buy good meat, and I don't think its worth it to buy rubbish cheap stuff.

After this we went to Ikea for hot dogs (again) yuummmm (but this does what contradict what I just said about cheap rubbish meat, but ssssssh.

...

So yes, photographs. Taken by Rob, but in bad light, with a not very good subject.




And yes those marks on my hip are what look like the beginning on small stretch marks. It's quite big isn't it!

That's all for now!

26 September 2010

Nostalgia

Today I was looking through lots of old photos on facebook. Photographs of when me and all of my closest friends lived in my home town, Saffron Walden. It made me horribly nostagic, both happy and sad.

As I've been struggling a bit getting used to this new city, and not feeling as though I have any friends of my own here, I wish more than anything that I could just call up certain people and spend time with, because I know they would be exactly what I was looking for, and I yearn for that instant familiarity and at ease feel that you get when spending time with an old friend who knows you so well. It's strange to suddenly stop and look at where you are, and realise how much has actually changed, and the places and situations we are now in. It seems it all happened without you having much control over it, and then you suddlenly wake up and go..'hang on how did I end up in Bristol, expecting a baby in just over 3 months?' It seems a complete world away from the person I used to be, and I in no way could have predicted this for myself. Isn't life funny?

Anyway, I miss that comfort of having my family and my dearest friends around, and still after all these years I'm reluctant to admit that things have changed. Me and about 6 or 7 of my closest friends all live in separate cities, and even different countries. How did that happen? I mean we still all keep in contact, sometimes, and when we all see each-other it feels as though we haven't really been apart, so why then, have we all taken such different paths, that have led us to all these new places. It seems a shame that we can't all be in the same place, doing similar things.

Anyway I'm going to post lots of photos that I found on facebook!









































So here are lots of photos. Just want to say that I love everyone very much, and old and new friends!

24 September 2010

hmmppff

Right now I'm feeling weird. I'm a bit fed up of being pregnant.

This evening when I was getting home from work, Rob told me that he had been invited out for drinks with his friends. I immediately felt rubbish about this, because the prospect of being alone, with no friends, and nothing to do, was well rubbish. I completely understand Rob wanting to go out with his friends, I guess I'm just jealous that I don't have friends to go out with.

Also something that I realised tonight, is even if I did have friends to go out with, it wouldn't be the same as it was before. I find it hard being around friends sometimes because I feel so different to them now. It also feels that all I am at the moment is pregnant, and that I can't even remember what type of person I was before this. I can't really relate to anyone at the moment, and people can't relate to me. Conversations revolve around babies and pregnancy, and sometimes just feel forced and awkward other times. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I find it hard being the only person I know who is going through this, and I know that's my own choice.

I feel, perhaps selfishly, that this isn't affecting Rob as much as it is me, and I unfairly hold a grudge against him for this. He can still g out with his friends, and do much the same as he did before, where as I feel I can't really do any of the things I used to do before.

I don't know, this is all making me feel weird. It's not just about not being able to go out drinking, it's just that I can't related to most of what people my age are doing, and I just feel a bit lonely and boring. I think what I really need to do is just go out and meet some people in a similar situation to me.

I just hope that things get better, and that I don't just feel like this boring, un-interesting, nothing to talk about person.

It's a horrible frustrating situation, and one I can't get out of. I can't even explain properly what I mean.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

As you can tell I'm slightly frustrated.

23 September 2010

Arthur

Oh yeh I forgot to mention this, but when we got the bear suit for the baby I always think of the baby as a bear, and when he is born I can imagine calling him his name and bear. For example, Arthur-bear. Same if it was a girl I was going to call it the name, then peach, for example, Orla-Peach.

But last night I was looking at baby names again, and looked up the meaning of Arthur, and it means in either Welsh or Gaelic 'Stone' and 'bear'! So in choosing the name Arthur, it already means bear! And I'm happy that the most famous Arthur would be King Arthur, because he is possibly the best legendary character, who was heroic, loyal, brave, clever, kind and just a god damn good king. haha.

Perhaps that is way more exciting for me than it is for anyone else.

twenty three

So today I am twenty three weeks, and I thought that was special because I am twenty three years old. I like counting things like this, as just this year gone past, in December I was 23 on the 23rd of December, clever isn't it?

I'm sorry that I do not update as much as perhaps some of you would like, and that my blog is seriously lacking on the photographic front (considering both myself and Rob have just graduated as photography students) but hopefully that should soon be amended, as Rob can take photographs of me...I need to get film for my Slr so I can start to document things.

...

I just heard thunder and looked out of the window and saw a magpie sitting on the chimney opposite, hmmm how ominous..

...

Anyway, the baby was kicking lots this morning, and if it is anywhere near as active as it was when we saw it (I should really start calling it him right?) at the scan, then I imagine he's going to be kicking quite alot. It's nice to feel though, as they are only light, but I know he's still in there and moving about. When I was alone after Rob had gone to work I felt it kick so I said hello to it and talked a little bit. I don't think I could do it when anybody else was around. I read that from now they can react to noises so getting it used to my voice and Rob's, by us talking to it would be a good thing to do. I have also heard that if you use a particular sound whilst it is in the womb, then afterwards you can use this sound to soothe the baby after it is born. I like the idea of this, but I'm not really sure of what to use, maybe just a particular piece of music perhaps?

...

Speaking of it move around and knowing that it is still ok in there, I spoke to a girl in work yesterday who told me she had had a miscarriage. I don't quite what to think about it really. I mean its nice that she can talk about it, but also a bit strange that she would tell that sort of thing to a stranger. It was obviously still really raw and she needed to talk about it. She was in the shop buying a present for her friend who has just had a baby, and I was helping her when we got talking about babies and pregnancy as you do. She told me that the baby miscarried, but didn't come out. So she only found out that it didn't have a heartbeat when they went for the first scan. I can't imagine how horrible that would be. I know that we had told a few people before the 12 week scan, and were really excited about going. I just can't imagine the feeling of being there and finding out that it was dead. It's weird, as soon as I accepted that I was pregnant I became really scared about miscarrying, even way after the 12 week mark when the risk drops considerably. Every little pain or feeling in my stomach got me worried, that's why I feel so relieved every time I do feel him moving around.

The girl was only 20, and the risks of her having a second miscarriage are rare, but I can't imagine what it would be like to get pregnant again and have that happen. It's really weird that you just take it all for granted that everything is ok. Even when we had to go back for the second scan because of the brain cyst, I was still fairly confident that everything would be fine. It is horribly strange how pregnancy can bring so much happiness, but at the same time the complete heartbreaking unhappiness if anything does go wrong. It seems as though it is a very fine line. So fingers crossed, and very selfishly, I hope everything stays ok for me!

...

Yesterday Rob and I went shopping in Tesco's together. This doesn't sound particularly interesting, and well, it isn't, but I'm just going to say that I actually enjoyed it. It's weird when you catch glimpses of yourself, and imagine that this is what it would be like in the future, if we were shopping just for ourselves, and our little family, living somewhere just us. I guess it's like some sort of fantasy for me, the delights of domesticity. Last night as well we were alone in his house, and I find myself thinking that that is what it would be like if it was just us two in the house, or at least us two and the baby. I really do yearn for the time when this will be possible. But for now we have to do what is best and sensible. But that doesn't stop me dreaming right?

And I am very thankful for where we are and what we have got already, and all for what Rob's parents are doing for us.

Tonight, after Rob gets home from work we are going to visit Mothercare as they have a sale on, then go to Ikea. Just for browsing. And I will finally get to eat my Ikea hotdog...yummmm

...

Hopefully later on I can get Rob to take some photos..so you can all keep quiet til then!

21 September 2010

Breast stroke

hello!

So the last couple of days have been very swimming orientated. Yesterday morning I went to my first ever aqua-natal class at the swimming pool. There were about 8 other preggos there, all a bit older than me. I didn't really speak to anyone because we started as soon as I got there, and I had to leave straight away to get to work. It was good though! At first I was a little embarrassed because of some of the exercises we had to do, like arm pumping and swimming with those long tube floats, but actually it was really good. It was 45 minutes long and felt like a good workout. I also found out that I can go swimming for free when I'm pregnant, which is awesome, so I'm going to try and go more than once a week, hopefully every 2 days. I went again today. It was the first time I've ever been in the slow lane. Every other time I've been I've always gone in the medium lane, but today it was really busy, and I wasn't sure whether I would be going fast enough, so I stuck to the slow lane and took it easy.

I really do enjoy swimming, even before I was pregs. I hope to go after the baby is born, with the baby. One thing I do need to get is a better swimming costume or bikini, because my boobs are too big for my bikini. whooooops.

...

Other than that there is not really much else to talk about. I had a day off today which was nice, and went for a little walk along Gloucester Road. It's very nice being in a city with lots of things going on and feeling like you are part of it. I've only ever lived in Cardiff before, and I did enjoy that, but I like Bristol a lot.

Work is still going well. It's nice to have new people to get to know, and I think I get on well with most of the people I work with. Mainly we just talk about baby stuff with me, it's all I ever seem to talk about with people now a days, I think that's all I am, just pregnant, and I can't remember what I talked about before. Perhaps I was just really boring, or maybe I'm just really boring now...

...

Living here at Rob's with his parents has been going alright. The other night I wanted to have a bath, and felt a bit weird about it, as they don't really have baths in this house. Sometimes I feel like I have to walk around on tip-toes a bit, and that I have to do everything a certain way, as not to upset the way things are done here. This scares me as I worry that it will be this way all the time, and that I will never feel comfortable and be able to treat it like my home. But I do get on quite well with his parents, and now that Rob's brother has gone back to uni, we might be able to get a bit more sorted and have a bit more space. At the moment it's been strange getting used to mine and Rob's routines, we are working pretty different hours. But in the evening I still don't really have much to do, and I'm finding it a little bit difficult in realising this is my home and that I can just relax and do my own thing, as Rob wants to do his. Also adjusting from just visiting each other to living together is going to take some time, because obviously we are both going to need time alone, and when we were just visiting each other we didn't need this as much as it was only for a short time. Also living in one room is ok for now, but I think we will definitely need some extra room soon!

So all in all things are going ok, and we'll just have to see how things progress..

I will do a photo update tommorow ok? And now Rob can take pictures on his nice digital, so they won't be shitty photobooth ones!

Goodnight!

19 September 2010

Broody

I change my mind, I'm horribly broody today, probably due to the fact that there were so many sweet babies in the shop today, and they were mainly boys. They were all at the stage, around six months I think, when their faces start to get really expressive and smiley.

It made me really want to have mine and to meet him.

I spoke to Rob about being scared about having the baby. I don't know why I suddenly got scared, I think it was because I have just been exposed so quickly to lots of babies and children, and got scared about the responsibility. But I know its not going to be as hard as I am scaring myself into, and there will be some points, not all the time, where I will have time to myself.

That's all for now!

p.s there was one baby boy today called Ernest, and he was starting to get his mum's hair colour, which was a really deep red. He was really sweet and the parents were really nice too. I like my job that I get to talk to parents and coo over babies. Good stuff.

18 September 2010

Oblivion

So here I am in Bristol, how exciting!

When I left my mum's on Thursday I was packing my things into my car, and got really upset. I had uncontrollable crying for about half an hour. The type of crying when you can't stop, and when you go to the toilet to get tissue and see yourself in the mirror it makes you cry even more. I was even crying as I made my sandwiches for the journey. I'm not sure why I cried so much, but it felt pretty good. My mum had gone out for the day, so I was leaving before she would be back. I got sad because I know she would be sad when she got home and I wasn't there anymore. I miss her very much indeed.

...

I went to see Joanna Newsome on thursday night in Bristol. I love going for evenings out, and especially to gigs. It was so much better to see her there, in this amazing theatre hall, rather than at Greenman. There were so much going on at Greenman that it was hard to concentrate on the music fully, but in the hall it was so quiet when they were playing, that you could hear exactly what was going on, and pick out all the different parts. It was very amazing. I didn't mind going by myself, except that I would have had to walk across town by myself, but luckily Rob is very nice and offered to come and meet me. What a gentleman.

...

So I started work at Pumpkin Patch on Friday. I had to start at 8, but spent the first couple of hours going through booklets and things. The manager is really nice, just really relaxed and easy going. I basically get to look at really sweet baby clothes all day. Lots of preggers women come in, and I get to chat to them about being pregnant (the manager was really excited about me working there, for this reason) also I get to look at sweet babies and children. There are so many nice little ones, that when you wave at them they just start smiling loads...A few of the girls at work are jealous that I'm pregnant, and one in particular really wants a baby. Being there and talking to people about it makes me realise that I'm not a very maternal person, I mean, I'm very very happy that I'm having one, but I wasn't obsessed with having a baby before, and I like children, but I don't go mad over them. I know this won't really make a different once I have one of my own, because I'm sure I'll love him loads and think he's the best thing in the world.

I'm making a mental list of all the things I want to buy from there, I actually think it's quite dangerous me working there, because I have such a weakness for baby clothes, especially dungarees.

Yesterday Rob came and met me for my lunch break, and took me out for something to eat. It was lovely. And today we were both working, and his work is on the lower floor of the shopping centre we work in, so it's nice just to pop in a say hello!

...

Suddenly I realised that I do actually look pregnant now, even if I'm not wearing particularly tight clothing. A lady even gave me her seat on the bus today, so I guess that's the first test. Its weird, I spent so long wanting a bump that I sort of didn't realise that there was one there now. And its only going to get bigger. God I can't actually believe that I'm going to have a baby. Seeing mum's and families in the last few days has been good, but also shocking, to think that is going to be me, and us in a few months. It's weird because the closer you get the more scary it is, and you know you can't go back. Like the first time you go on oblivion at Alton towers, it seems really exciting and fun, then you queue for ages, then the nearer you get, and the more times you see people on the ride you start to get scared, but you've queued for so long so you might as well go through with it. Then you get to the front, feeling pretty scared of the unknown, then you do it, and its scary but really fun, and you come off feeling excited.

God what a good analogy, I think this is what they should tell expecting parents. Having a baby and being pregnant is like going on oblivion for the first time. Job Done. (This really is a lot of shit)

Right I shall end it there. I do actually really want to go to Alton towers, but alas I can't. Bugs.

16 September 2010

Tired feet

So here's a quick photo update.

My feet have grown, so I can no longer fit into some of my shoes. Boo hoo. But that did mean that I HAD to go out and get new shoes!

I'm 22 weeks today!



Clogs!



My stomach from my view




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