29 August 2010

Admitting defeat

Well it's not so over dramatic as my title sounds, but it is a little turn around anyway.

So, things are changing yet again. After Rob didn't get his job in Cardiff, I got all excited about living in a flat in Bristol. Me and Rob went to letting agents, and looked online and went to see about 4 flats in the short time I was in Bristol last week. We saw one quite nice one. Also Rob went to see 2 on Friday, and one sounded pretty nice indeed. But alas this week we have been worrying about the big bad wolf that is money.

We realised quickly that even if we both were working full time this would only give us enough money to cover rent and bills, just. So no saving for baby, and just worrying about money all of the time. This is if we were both working, which after the baby comes, I won't be working, for about a year (hopefully) But I did some research into maternity pay, tax credits and child benefit, and it seemed like we could hopefully still get by.

But I think Rob's parents started to become worried, especially as we were looking at flats, and don't have jobs secured. But for me I didn't really see another option.

But this weekend, Rob's parents sat down with him to talk through options. They suggested to Rob that we come to live with them. As their house is quite crammed (I use the word 'quite' lightly) they would have to do alot of moving around. Firstly Rob's dad would move hi office downstairs, and his brother, when not at uni, would move into that room. That would then mean that Rob and I would have his old bedroom, and Rob's bedroom as well. One room for a bedroom, one for living. They also suggested that we could buy our own food, and cook when we wanted, as to give us independence. They would have to work out us paying them some money each month, but I imagine it will be considerably less than paying Bristol rent, council tax and bills. So all in all a good suggestion, with them being very compromising, flexible and kind.

Rob told me all of this, and I cried and got scared and worried. Mainly my worries were about losing my independence, not feeling like it is my home and not being able to make my own decisions. I sat in the bath and had a good long think.

But before you all jump to conclusions thinking that I'm ungrateful for the offer I shall take this opportunity to explain some things that I have recently realised about myself.

Firstly I'm stubborn. Very stubborn indeed. I don't like people telling me what to do, and what is best.

I also like to be in control. I like to plan and I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I need my feet firmly on the ground, and the path set out ahead of me. I don't like it when unseen things come in and change the plan that's in my head.

Also I'm proud. I'm proud of my independence, and I'm too proud to ask for help usually. I'd much rather suffer for a while and then ask for help only when there is no other option. I'm not very good at people offering it unexpectedly.

I like to be seen and treated as an adult, being able to make decisions as an adult and being respected for them.

Finally the idea of home is pretty much the most important thing to me in the world. It's something that I have been striving for, for a very long time. I imagine it's since the break up of my family home, and since then, never really feeling like I had a home of my own, or a real place that I could call home. I was desperate to leave uni, so I could finally stop living in a student house, and be responsible for myself, and not a whole house of people. When Rob and I decided to keep the baby, I found myself dreaming of a house or a flat together where we could have all of our own things, our own routines, and our own un-compromised space.

So when Rob's parents suggested that we move in with them I felt all of the above being threatened. I know its silly and may not make sense to other people, but this is the way I am and the person who I have grown to be.

But over time I have also realised that everyone needs to change and compromise and do things that are best not just for myself, but for everyone.

...

So of course I agreed that I would go and live with Rob in his parents house. It is sort of temporary, until perhaps we can save enough money and Rob finds a good job. But it may mean having to live with the baby there too. Which is ok.

There is also one more thing I would like to stress, and that is, that when we made the decision to keep the baby, I in no way expected anyone to be there to palm the baby off too. I made the decision to have a baby in full knowledge that it is MY baby, and I will have to look after it. I felt that at this stage in my life, I would be able to do this. And in no way felt that I could just rely on other people to do the hard work for me. But at the same time I am very grateful for all the help and support that has been offered.

So that's about it for now.

I shall update later with photos and other goings on. PROMS.

p.s I was a little worried that my blog is getting boring, or that it is changing from what is originally was, about thoughts and feelings, to just a report of what I have been doing. I can't really tell what is going on. I guess because I keep on doing things I feel like talking about them, but perhaps I am taking up too much time explaining all of that, and not just concentrating on my silly little worries and feelings.

What do you think? Has it changed, is it getting boring? TELL ME!

oh and p.p.s

I'm going to blame these personality traits on being a capricorn.

7 comments :

  1. When I was reading your post it made me instantly think.. CAPRICORN and earthy stuff...
    Is bebe going to be another capricorn aswell.
    I really enjoy your posts, would like to see way more pictures though and other daily activities but I like the thinking stuff too as its a real insite to you and I love that.
    I MISS YOU so so much, it feels so weird to be so far away from you with this all going on.
    I think Robs parents sound incredibly kind and brave to do that for you both, cherish it..especially for the Bebe, Borjas parents are a godsend to Patricia and also Borjas mum enjoys it so much, and they can teach you a lot... you will be able to establish your independence and freedom, if you want to you will!
    ♥ so much xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. agree with what your sister says :D
    and I find this blog really interesting to be honest because is real life and loads of people might feel the same or be in the same situation.
    as your sisi said independence and freedom is something that you will have to establish no matter who you live with or where. It is something personal unless you live in Iran of course :/
    now go and post some updated pictures!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love your blog!! I love reading it because it is about a situation that I assume / hope I will be in too one day. So it is nice to read about how it really affects your life and all the changes and things that happen. I know how you must feel with his parents offering for you to live there, I would have similar worries but I think it'll be OK. I am in such a financial stickiness and I left Uni 5 yrs ago! I wish I'd taken few different steps to be better off, even if they weren't ideal at the time. Good luck! One thing I have learnt is that whatever happens, always happens for the best in the end X

    ReplyDelete
  4. I understand full stop. Oh and please not another Capricorn. Aquarius please...

    ReplyDelete
  5. if it is born on time, or late it will be an aquarius. I'm hoping that it will, because they sound interesting. with quick minds. and into science. hah

    ReplyDelete
  6. It is hard living with parents. I lived with my partners parents for 6 months when we relocated after uni and it is difficult. His parents sound very understanding about it all though. I would take up the offer, as it will provide you both with a valuable opportunity to save. If you're still there when the baby comes, that won't be the worst thing and you may appreciate the additional support.

    I would talk to his parents about it, tell them your fears and worries as you have just told us. It is important that they know from the outset that you need to feel independant still, and feel like an adult, and pay your own way. Trust me, it is much easier to have these conversations openly from the start than to feel awkward when you need to bring something up later.

    Good luck with the decision.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes, what Janet said! That is very wise sound advise and kind of what I touched on/tried to say earlier... especially as I have been in your situation...just lay your cards on the table and talk about all your worries, because if you don;t then these feelings will harbor more ugly feelings..
    nip it in the bud and all that..
    Be positive its an amazing opportunity to save AND to get to know Robs family and for you to form part of that and you'll be in the city that you want so really its amazing! xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from you! Why not leave a comment?!

Back to Top