06 March 2019

February in Pictures

February, you moved in a blur but actually any step closer to Spring is always good in my book. We spent the month trying to get over illness, avoid hospital (which we did!) and Rob and I even managed to take a trip away for a few days, more to come on that soon! We had a day of snow which meant time off school then we added a very special member to our family - our little puppy Onyx! He's a rescue puppy from Romania and is 5 months old. We're very much in love with him and have spent the weekends taking him to our favourite places for walks and am very much enjoying the fact that he's getting us out the house a little more.

Half term then rolled around pretty quickly, and we were treated to some amazing (if not a little worrying!) warm weather for February, but made the most of it by taking visiting the beach and Avon Valley Adventure Park.

28 January 2019

2019 and the month of birthdays

January is a strange one for me, it always makes me just want to hibernate still and not have to be all organised and looking forward for the new year. I think it's a strange time to start a fresh and make new plans, when the world around you is still sleeping and in self preservation mode waiting for the warmer weather to appear and unfurl, unfold and open up ready for the light and warmth.

January is also the month of babies being born, well both of mine, which means birthdays. Which means a whole range of emotions. So really January is a time for massive change, well it has been for the past 8 years when Theo tumbled into the world and into our lives, changing them forever. It's been a time of learning something new, embracing new normals and finding strength to carry on. Sometimes I can't believe we've been parents for 8 years but at the same time where has that time gone. How is Theo 8 already? Soon it'll be double figures.

There's this massive bittersweet feeling that's so hard to describe, but it always breaks my heart every time a birthday rolls around. I have a big sob and cry looking at old photos and videos because my body aches to be able to travel back in time and spend a day with Theo (it's a little different with Rohan) at each of his ages. His tiny newborn self all froggy legged and velvet haired, his cheeky toddling one year old just starting to discover everything around him, the train obsessed word saying two year old with the sweetest high sing song voice, the outgoing adventurous tree climbing (still train obsessed) three year old, the curious independent but still my baby and best little friend 4 year old, the most sensitive, caring, bravest brand new brother and school going 5 year old, the non stop talking, Harry Potter, lego and books obsessed 6 year old who thinks he knows everything and finally the game obsessed, sensitive, confident, fact obsessed, strong willed 7 year old. How can it be that all this time has passed?

I'm so conscious of the fact that we had five long years of a life of just Theo, getting to know him and whilst there is a huge part of me that regrets not having a sibling for him closer together and of course a sibling relationship that was perhaps easier than the situation we have now I'm still so thankful of all that time I had with Theo, just him. He was truly my little mate and sidekick for so long and I miss that. I miss our days just playing and learning at home, going out on adventures on trains or to the park, the travels we took as just a family of three. I know it's easy to look back with those rose tinted glasses and think how idyllic it all was but sometimes I look at photos of us and think about myself that I had no idea of what was to come.

Gosh it really sounds like I prefer it before doesn't it? But I really don't, I'm just still really trying to come to terms with it all and just mourning that life we thought we'd have still, or our life before. That's why I don't or can't look back at Rohan's early years or birthdays in the same way just yet. Those times are filled with happiness yes but also so much pain and worry and stress. Our lives changed in unimaginable ways and it's still not or will ever be the way we imagined it. I feel guilt, I feel sadness and pain over so much that happened but I also feel love. I think it's important to realise that I can feel both at the same time, just because I feel pain over what happened with Rohan doesn't take away the love I have for him, they don't cancel each other out but co-exist. I may not be ready to look back at his birth and the years that have followed quite in the same way I do with Theo, I'm not ready to jump back there if the chance arose but I'm hoping with some help that one day I will.

But now that January is coming to a close and the birthday's have passed I feel like it's time to start coming out of hibernation, once we shift these colds of course...

07 December 2018

Christmas traditions

A few weeks before the beginning of December Theo asked me whether I could make the advent calendar similar to one a few years back when I filled little bigs with chocolate and festive activities and outings. I must have been the year before Rohan arrived because I definitely don't feel like I could've managed it these past two Christmas's, especially not when we ended up moving house four days before! But I'm glad that he remembered it and wanted it again instead of a shop bought one, considering he had a lego one last year I was pretty pleased that my bodged together one held fond memories for him!

I haven't quite gone all out Instagram and fashioned one out of a branch, foliage and string but instead found a fairly non-offensive felt calendar with fill your own pockets (that's ok right?!) then I went about filling it with activities to do and spend time together, because really in this crazy time of year, even something as simple as going to a cafe, making some hot chocolate together  or playing a board game can be a real treat, and I think these are the things that Theo held on to from those years ago and that made me feel pretty happy. I love how Christmas traditions are created and evolve over time and are passed on to your own children from your childhood memories.

Last weekend we had our first activity which was to go and pick our tree. We've not really created a solid tradition with this yet, getting it from a variety of places over the years but this year we decided to go to a cut your own for the first time. I had those visions of walking amongst the rows of trees happily deciding which one would be ours to take home, and actually it was pretty much like that, except for the weather was pretty miserable, Rohan wasn't that keen on being put down and it was harder than I imagined to find the right tree! But in the end we did, or well Theo did! We think he did a pretty good job selecting our tree, called Jane (they are all named!) and luckily we made it back to the car before it started raining again and Rohan had had enough! So I thought I'd share some photos of our little trip out and hopefully we will come back again.

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